Feelings on Tap, Logic on Back Order
Sometimes my smile is a sign of strength, not joy. I say this not for pity, but as a testament to the fact that I struggle; some weeks, daily. I struggle to trust and have faith; to know that everything is going to be ok. Let’s face it; this year has been hard, and there were days I chose to stay in bed and let the world go on with out my input. I am grateful that today, the stickiness doesn’t hold me down quite as long as it used too, but it’s hard and it’s a practice. When I find my self in the struggle, it’s work to be able see the light. It’s like everything I KNOW escapes my brain and all that I am left with are these fucking feelings. All the false narratives and old stories come flooding in like the water rushing out of a shattered fish tank. The waves of ridiculousness and calm interchange and I am grasping for a clean breath in the middle. I usually find myself in this inescapable pattern when I am not doing the things, I KNOW make all this manageable. I share the practices and offerings that I do because these are the things that have kept me rooted and allowed me to catch glimpses of light when I was in my darkest tunnels. They are the seemingly simple actions that I choose to take everyday that allow a more gentle landing place as I move through the challenges.
I used to judge my feelings, hate them even. My feelings were what made me “too much.” I always felt like I cared about EVERYTHING more than I was supposed too. Then, I stopped listening. I turned off whatever part of me could hear my truth. Not sure exactly when really; maybe, it was a bad break up from someone I had no business in a relationship with; maybe it was feeling like a failure on my 100th diet. I quit hearing my true voice because I blocked out a huge part of me. I see now that everything I experienced were my feelings begging to be felt and processed…and released.
Our feelings are our bodies’ reaction to what is happening physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It is our jobs to sit with whatever comes up and to use our logic and spirit to process the feelings. In a perfect world, we could stop, drop and meditate anytime something felt off. For most of us, that just isn’t real life. Doing the work before the challenge arrives has been one way I have been able to handle things in my life. Meditation in the moment is great, but it is still putting a bandaid on a symptom. If our stress and anxiety is cumulative, then so can be our mindfulness. We can strengthen our resilience by doing the things that we know work for us.
For me, when I was very young, I thought about my spiritual life as a one answer kind of existence. I have been so fortunate to have my eyes opened wide and to see that there have been so many paths guiding me home to become more ME, and so much more that I will never understand. I embrace the light that lives beneath the structures of the physical, and I must remind myself of this when I find myself in the shadows. Because the shadows are the work and the privilege of being human. Struggle will continue to happen in my life, and I pray that I never try to give the impression that I have it all together, because that would be a bold face lie. Most days I feel like I am juggling it all while riding a unicycle and still trying to allow a smile to come through. I try to smile through the bullshit because I KNOW, that it too won’t be here forever. I personally am in a huge place of limbo in my life, learning how to trust my gut, even when things don’t look the way I think it should. Learning how to balance my emotional reaction with what I KNOW to be my truth. Waking up every single day, knowing I have to do the work to stay centered and trust that something bigger is happening. Everyday the embodiment of all the pieces of myself are molding me into something new.
I won’t claim to heal you, only you can do that. I offer tools that might help, and I would love to share them with you. You don’t have to wait for a crises or your next emotional flood. You can start right now, begin to slow down your breathing, and say…
“Self, I am safe. I am home. My mind, my feelings, AND my spirit are all accepted here.”
