Solar Returning
Return to the internal fire from which you were forged.
See your creation emerging from the destruction of the paradigms that no longer contain you.
Sitting in fire is where I find myself at 35, and if I’m being really honest, it doesn’t totally suck. The fire is where I am shedding my skin, letting go of old patterns, feeling into an existence that has been calling me. Embodying what feels authentic to me each day as it comes. Some days I’m in the flow and meeting my desires with grounded action, and others you can find me on the couch, remote in hand, lost in the programming. Our collective consciousness is expanding at such rapid rates recently, I feel it in my DNA. As I allow myself to enter back into spaces that I have sometimes lost myself in, there is a resolve in my path and where I find myself in this moment. It’s like the space just after you exhale, just before you take your next breath. That fraction of a moment holds infinite possibility, that’s where 35 finds me, and I have never loved life more than I do right now.
There is so much beauty in the simple everyday things. So much excitement in the unknown. I love (most of the time) sitting back and watching the universe surprise me. This solar return was full of love, authenticity and friendship; deep bonds that have taken time to weave and new connections that are blossoming from shared soul fragments. The path illuminating before me is beyond what I could have imagined for myself a year ago. Every day I wake up, grateful to navigate this adventure.
Allowing my story to come together with divine purpose and returning home to my own internal flame. I feel like I’m reaching down into the pool of all my experiences to remove the dams built between the lessons and feeling into the flood of knowing. I see the threads now, like single flames finding each other and igniting my path, blasting me into my next revolution. Together, we are finding a way through.
Thank you for being here, for existing, and thank you for embarking on this amazing adventure with me! The community surrounding me fills me with so much love, I sit and pause and thank all that is sacred for this NOW moment. Thank you to my teachers for their deep love and devotion to this life and our journeys together. We are all guiding each other with light.
Let me introduce myself…
“Choose what helps your heart bloom.”
-Dhiman
We all have a story. Our stories tell us where we come from, who we are expected to be, or maybe our story only tells us what and who we are not. I believe that we have the power to change our story at any moment. If all my thoughts are just stories I am telling myself, then I have the choice to change the narrative.
For years I was trapped in a cycle of self sabotage and an overwhelming guilt for not fully taking advantage of the all the opportunities afforded me. Somewhere deep down I had a story that I was unworthy of the things in my life. Society has a way telling those of us that are highly sensitive that we must be ashamed of our emotions, and I was always felt like I was too much. Too much of what, I am still unsure, but I certainly felt out of place and insecure.
I’m Allison, I travel a path of healing through addiction, an eating disorder, co-dependency and deep rooted rage. I have worked a 12 step program, followed traditional religion, modern medicine, and rebelled against structure all together. Through these layers of deep healing I began to feel a deep sense that I was not at all who I thought I had been. I began weaving all the parts of my truth back together. I attribute my growth to simply not giving up; to the guides from the other side who are with me often, and my earth angels and teachers always there lighting my path when I choose to see. The greatest relief was realizing there is no finish line, nothing to accomplish or achieve that can make me anything more or less than I am right now and have always been. This is my truth.
Yoga allowed me to take back my power. Yoga is choice, it is self- love,
and yoga is how I connect to my TRUTH.
When breathwork healing and kundalini were introduced to me, it sky rocketed my internal discoveries. I love that as I continue on this path that I am constantly reminded that there are so many paths that can keep leading us back to our own truth. The blending of these practices as well as my passion for the human condition inspire me to keep discovering…
Instead of shutting out the world, Now I lean in to what it has to offer me. Learning to get comfortable in the discomfort has saved my well being and my life.
I protect my practice with fierce love and posses a burning desire to offer support for those asking the same questions that started me along my path…
Light, Love & Gratitude… Allison
The Spaces in Between
For the better part of a year now, “Learning to ride the wave” has been my go to response to anyone asking me “how’s it going?” And that’s exactly where I’m at; learning to sit with it, to be with all of me. To be ok not being ok, and figuring out what the hell that even means.
I’ve been nurturing my hurt parts and empowering the strong bits, finding solace is the process of carefully unwinding this inner self that is aching to emerge. The place between where I was and where I’m going still seems so blurred and fractured, each intentional breath bringing me closer into this moment. Finding my self lost in the endless stream of data as I reach above and gasp with eyes wide open. Leaning closer into the realms beyond thinking and knowing and being, deep beneath the meaning applied without warrant, I find myself hidden.
Reluctant to be seen in all my glory, hesitant to fly. I step into the wild, beyond my safety net I feel freedom lift me. And for a moment I feel the ascent before my heart falls into my stomach and again I plummet to the underside of the wave. The cadence sways and carries me to the spaces in between the highs and the lows, where the magic lives. Here I am finding the steady love I desire. The muddy and mundane, the bright and beautiful, wrapping myself in a blanket of acceptance. Supported by all that surrounds me.
Releasing the ideas of beginnings and endings, embracing all that is cyclical and divine. Feet gently rooted, hands and fingers spread wide as I allow the cosmic sands to shift around and with in me. Stillness settles the depths of the turbulence and reveals another wave of becoming before it offers it self back to the process.
I truly sit in awe when I allow my intentional breath to weave together all of the beautiful offerings that are available to me. Letting go of the need to be on a high or low, and learning to really love the spaces in between.
Feelings on Tap, Logic on Back Order
Sometimes my smile is a sign of strength, not joy. I say this not for pity, but as a testament to the fact that I struggle; some weeks, daily. I struggle to trust and have faith; to know that everything is going to be ok. Let’s face it; this year has been hard, and there were days I chose to stay in bed and let the world go on with out my input. I am grateful that today, the stickiness doesn’t hold me down quite as long as it used too, but it’s hard and it’s a practice. When I find my self in the struggle, it’s work to be able see the light. It’s like everything I KNOW escapes my brain and all that I am left with are these fucking feelings. All the false narratives and old stories come flooding in like the water rushing out of a shattered fish tank. The waves of ridiculousness and calm interchange and I am grasping for a clean breath in the middle. I usually find myself in this inescapable pattern when I am not doing the things, I KNOW make all this manageable. I share the practices and offerings that I do because these are the things that have kept me rooted and allowed me to catch glimpses of light when I was in my darkest tunnels. They are the seemingly simple actions that I choose to take everyday that allow a more gentle landing place as I move through the challenges.
I used to judge my feelings, hate them even. My feelings were what made me “too much.” I always felt like I cared about EVERYTHING more than I was supposed too. Then, I stopped listening. I turned off whatever part of me could hear my truth. Not sure exactly when really; maybe, it was a bad break up from someone I had no business in a relationship with; maybe it was feeling like a failure on my 100th diet. I quit hearing my true voice because I blocked out a huge part of me. I see now that everything I experienced were my feelings begging to be felt and processed…and released.
Our feelings are our bodies’ reaction to what is happening physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It is our jobs to sit with whatever comes up and to use our logic and spirit to process the feelings. In a perfect world, we could stop, drop and meditate anytime something felt off. For most of us, that just isn’t real life. Doing the work before the challenge arrives has been one way I have been able to handle things in my life. Meditation in the moment is great, but it is still putting a bandaid on a symptom. If our stress and anxiety is cumulative, then so can be our mindfulness. We can strengthen our resilience by doing the things that we know work for us.
For me, when I was very young, I thought about my spiritual life as a one answer kind of existence. I have been so fortunate to have my eyes opened wide and to see that there have been so many paths guiding me home to become more ME, and so much more that I will never understand. I embrace the light that lives beneath the structures of the physical, and I must remind myself of this when I find myself in the shadows. Because the shadows are the work and the privilege of being human. Struggle will continue to happen in my life, and I pray that I never try to give the impression that I have it all together, because that would be a bold face lie. Most days I feel like I am juggling it all while riding a unicycle and still trying to allow a smile to come through. I try to smile through the bullshit because I KNOW, that it too won’t be here forever. I personally am in a huge place of limbo in my life, learning how to trust my gut, even when things don’t look the way I think it should. Learning how to balance my emotional reaction with what I KNOW to be my truth. Waking up every single day, knowing I have to do the work to stay centered and trust that something bigger is happening. Everyday the embodiment of all the pieces of myself are molding me into something new.
I won’t claim to heal you, only you can do that. I offer tools that might help, and I would love to share them with you. You don’t have to wait for a crises or your next emotional flood. You can start right now, begin to slow down your breathing, and say…
“Self, I am safe. I am home. My mind, my feelings, AND my spirit are all accepted here.”
Connect & Thrive
This time last year, my closest friends and I committed to a trip to Patagonia. We were planning to be in the path of totality for the solar eclipse on December 14, 2020. I don’t need to tell you the circumstances preventing our travel, and I have to be honest, I have been holding on to some anger and resentment about missing this transformational event in person. It was the first international trip my partner and I planned to take together, and we were going with our favorite humans. When I got the news that we were for sure not going, I took it in stride… of course we weren’t going. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I pushed it out of my mind for a while, not acknowledging the feelings that were beginning to bubble to the surface. When I realized that it was the loss of this experience that was causing some struggle in my life, I spoke it out loud; said how I felt, and even though I know logically that this year, and every day, is really out of my control, my feelings were still there and needed to be felt. I leaned into it, being honest, and feeling a little childish at times. I know that there are bigger problems in the world, and I feel like that logic is what has kept me from processing seemingly unimportant losses in my life, but this trip was important to me, and held a. lot of significance. Comparison keeps us from our authenticity and from living our whole truth. I started to channel the feelings; using my tools and practices to access a creative outlet. Once I surrendered to what was, I opened up this portal to the other side of the fear of missing out.
I began to explore how I could use all the energy I had fostered into something that would fill my soul. And then, I just started trying shit. Stepping out of my comfort zones, trusting that the universe has something truly meaningful. I began to examine all of the tools and practices that brought me to this point, and wanted a way to start to blend, create, and share something new.
I, and you, have the ability to transmute and grow through any challenge, no matter how small or life changing it may seem. The events that I am curating and the community that has surrounded me since I have surrendered is incredibly humbling. The universe is showing me that there are so many paths and ways to connect to the ultimate powerful love force all around us. Creating small containers during this time is allowing me to fully see and be with those who are interested in the growth that the work has to offer.
I am now seeing a brighter path laid out before me, I am here to serve and lift up other humans. To be able to create and hold space for others to come into their fullest expression is humbling and honestly, mind blowing. Through the events that I am curating and creating in collaboration, I am receiving the connection that my soul has been craving. Watching hearts connect through intentional movement and breath continues to inspire me daily. To know that although we are all so wonderfully different, the humanity in us all is the thread that weaves us together.
I want to celebrate all these revelations and this vitally important time on our Earth; I invite you to join me for a very special, New Moon Breathwork Healing Ceremony. We will come together in community to set intentions and clear our channels of communication as we move toward winter solstice. This time of year provides a beautiful opportunity to go with in to explore your deeper truths and examine your thinking mind with out judgment. The Sagittarius New Moon joined by the solar eclipse invites all possibilities to approaching your inner most desires and to set goals for the next cycle of your life. Breathwork practice is supported by the fire energy of sagittarius, focusing on clearing out anything keeping you from speaking and living your truth. The more you express your needs and desires, you gives others permission to do the same.
Breathwork Healing allows for access to a deeper state of consciousness, a place where false programming begins to slip away, until all that is left is your divine truth. Underneath the labels and boxes you put yourself in, there is a being that radiates light and love, and wants to connect and thrive. You have everything you need, already inside of you. Your breath is a tool to move through and around any blockages, keeping you from you next highest expansion.
You are the moon, and the sun, and the stars. You are earth and water, fire and air. You are infinite, whole and complete. Give your self permission to explore all of your hidden edges, and expand.
Register for Monday, 12/14/2020, New Moon Breathwork Healing Circle
Movement Medicine
I am sitting in awe this week as a dream manifests right before my eyes. This last year has been a lesson in listening to my guts; the voice in my head (really my heart) that somewhere along the way I silenced. As my inner wisdom becomes louder, I find that my ego tries to compete. The back and forth has become something comical that I unpack in my daily journals. The doubt that is overcome by faith, time and time again to keep moving forward. This time I will not turn around, I will not go back.
Faith that something bigger than me has lead me here, to this edge. This place that will take me to a new, higher expansion. It has not looked pretty, but the tears have begun to wash away the parts that are keeping me from trusting this new existence. The doubt still creeps in, but I trust in my tools more than ever to stabilize and ground me. Having tools is great, remembering to use them is the portal to the other side of this human adventure.
Using breath to navigate the challenges has allowed me to sit with the feelings. My past self just liked to scream about everything, and then pretend it didn’t happen. It can get really uncomfortable, learning how to stay there, committing too letting the feeling take its time to work it self out is really fucking hard. I still mess it up pretty often. Slowly, though, I am becoming softer, with strangers, friends, and at home, where it really counts.
The softness doesn’t magically appear though. It is waking up early to mediate before the house is stirring. It is showing up, especially when I don’t want to. I was really surprised when I decided to start doing some intentional free movement at home and was faced with all kinds of resistance. I have always loved to dance, and live music and movement has forever been a healing for me. I went deep into inquiry about why I would have so much negative self talk about something, that on the surface, I really thought I would love. The more I moved, the more I was able to see that the resistance was the false narrative. As I accessed a freedom inside, my ego was begging for a way to stay relevant. So often I still felt like I was holding back, not fully expressing what my body wanted to say.
It was at a retreat with my one of my beloved teachers that I was able to drop into my body and fully embrace myself for the first time. After a weekend of walking through the forest in silence, playing barefoot in waterfalls, and the most beautiful tea ceremonies I have ever been a part of, my ego was finally resting. Only relying on the music to guide me and coming from a place of depth, I began to move authentically and blissfully. There was a melting of this external shell that was built out of shame and insecurity. With closed eyes and an open heart, I felt spirit move deep and plant messages that are now blooming. It took weeks for me to absorb what had happened in that space, an unleashing of a truer version of me. A liberation to trust and know myself completely, standing in all that I am. It is now, expressing my truest self that I am able to co-create and fully BE.
Creating DUB TEMPLE with two of my closest friends has sealed what was uncovered that night. Humans need space to FEEL and HEAL. When we move beyond words, beyond the construct of what we see right in front of us, there is infinite possibility available to all who desire access to their inner sanctuary.
I am so grateful to those who have chosen to embark on our first journey through the temple together. I can feel the energy building as we travel toward Saturday, with open arms and hearts. If you are looking for deeper connections, a place to feel supported and to BE YOU, DUB TEMPLE awaits your arrival. Join us for an evening of live music, breathwork, reiki and movement. Your HIGHEST SELF is Calling…
Enter YOUR Temple
Embarking on a new journey requires preparation, and I feel as though everything I have been processing and growing through for so many seasons has been leading me to this jumping off point. The urge to jump, run and apply myself with reckless abandon has been bubbling at the surface of my being. It has been through the stillness and patience that I have heard the call. Motionless, I allowed reception of a beautiful seed to nurture, AND the divine alignment of creating along side two of my favorite humans.
Infusing passion for movement and music, and born from the collective calling for elevated experiences, DUB TEMPLE invites you into a sacred space of healing and discovery. A curated evening of community, live music, breathwork and movement, wrapped in Reiki love.
CommUNITY is the center point of DUB TEMPLE. Inviting all humans to come together to feel, heal and express beyond words. Traveling collectively through the evening together, your experience will be guided and supported with Reiki by the beautiful Gian Charan Kaur [Lucid Lotus]. I am honored and humbled to be creating this sacred container with someone I have so much love and respect for. Her light is warm and embracing, and she has a gift for seeing others in their greatness and lifting them to meet it. We have been traveling the path of self discovery and inquiry along side one another and her support has been life changing. Truly birthing this idea together as a flower of our soul connection, we knew that the music had to be LIVE and the wubs deep.
The connections I hold with my deepest relationships have started or blossomed through love of music and its healing power. My journey with Brian [IsoDope] has been a shared passion for people, music and life. He brings a positivity to any space that is palpable and welcoming to every human. He expresses his love through mixing and playing music. This man really knows how to create a vibe with sound. His diverse music knowledge is always blowing my mind, and I am so excited for him to journey deep into the wubs with us. The three of us are beaming to share this in-person, community minded event at a time when connection is being lost, and the sacred is asking to be at the center once more.
We invite you into an internally immersive evening into your inner sanctuary. Meditative movement and wordless expression are powerful tools to move, heal and release stress. When we allow for listening in the quiet spaces, we allow ourselves to hear our own truth. As the divine reveals itself from within the container, we will be guided deeper in to the center with breathwork, an ancient technique used to quiet the analytical mind and drop in to your SOUL TRUTH. When we travel through breathwork together, the energy strengthens and supports the breathers' ability to tap in to the collective oneness.
The preparations have been made, the date is set, and I am grateful for the time and space it has taken us to arrive at this moment. Starting intimate and small, we will be keeping the container to just 11 beautiful souls to journey with us on our inaugural DUB TEMPLE. We are looking forward to creating something special with those who feel the call.
Enter DUB TEMPLE, Saturday, December 5th at 6pm
To be held at a private residence in Palm Harbor, FL.
Exact location emailed 24hours before the doors to the temple will seal for our evening journey.
Untitled 10/1/2020
So much loss and pain have been permeating my world on a personal level in the last week. Friends of friends and childhood friends, lost in a moment. The loss of someone’s child, a lover, a best friend, a brother. Throughout my life I have noticed that these losses seem to come in waves, each tragedy amplified by the previous. In these moments, I find myself losing my softness and ease, and everything seems harder. It is now, when I must dig in and do the work.
Self study and inquiry is always challenging, but choosing to do it in the middle of the breakdown, when the tears are streaming and the snot won’t stop, that’s when breakthroughs happen.
In the face of pain I often retreat to a reflective rage in response to pretty much everything. Coated in sarcasm and sharp jabs, at first, my anger soon starts to coat everything I hold valuable, mainly my relationships. And when the pain dissipates and all I can hear are the echos of my harsh tones, I am back in a familiar place of self loathing. I am faced with two choices, stay in the shit or understand that unless there is discomfort, there can be no growth. In the past I have blamed my ruthlessness as a matter of unawareness, and in part that was true. However, it is the fear of all the feelings I am already feeling that motivate the choices that I’m not proud of.
As my dear friend and teacher says, “Feelings are hard.” And they are often inconvenient to my day to day life. How am I supposed to teach my child at home doing virtual school when I can’t stop crying? My whole life my feelings have felt bigger than me. It has been the fear of my feelings that has motivated my to retreat into myself in the middle of someone else’s pain. A story I have created for myself is that I don’t handle death well. The truth is, who does? It was an excuse to not be there and present for the people in my life when they needed me most. After being on my mat for several hundred hours, I discovered that my feelings weren’t actually attached to my being, but I had clung on to them so hard, I’m learning how to let them go.Feelings of grief and shame that seem to still be lingering below the surface and are ready to come up for air the moment I let myself slip into forgetting who I am, NOW.
AND then…this word starts echoing in my head, this word that I have been latching on to since I saw it painted on the One Love Wall at Warrior One (my home studio) my first weekend at yoga teacher training…
SANTOSHA is a sanskrit word, derived from sam- meaning completely, and Tosha “contentment” or “acceptance.”
I have been applying this concept into my life since that moment. Accepting that I am exactly where I am and to get somewhere else it will take hard work. Also, learning that santosha in my life means allowing the feelings to come and go with complete acceptance. My rage is unseeded through different triggers, it is in those moments that I must choose to practice santosha. Each time I choose breath and contentment over reaction, I strengthen that connection to the still peace at my center. These revelations aren’t new I suppose, but for me, today, it dug deeper into my soul; the knowing that giving into my rage is giving into the illusion of control.
In the face of an unexpected loss, when all my old habits want to come out to play to help me cope, I will practice being in this moment, exactly as it is, loving fiercely, and holding those who need my compassion. I will not let the selfishness of my ego rob the people I love from what they need in these dark times.
To my humans going through it:
I see you, I hear you and I wrap my love and virtual arms around you.
Together we will hold each other up. Together we will be the light.
You’re Divine & You Know IT
Struggle is a word that is thrown around a lot these days. Struggles often arise unexpectedly, and are often self-inflicted. I could tell you that the presence of struggle in my life pales in comparison to some, but the act of comparison has stolen more joy than I care to admit. The constant worry that “she won’t want to be my friend” or “he does not want to hear what I have to say” has occupied and created struggles that were unnecessary obstacles in my life, for many lifetimes, it seems. I bought in to the struggle for so long that when life did get easy, my mind and emotions went in to some kind of culture shock. A deep rage was unseeded from within.
An overwhelming doubt occupied much of my mental space, which led to emotions that seemed to tear me apart from the inside. Desperate for a change, I wandered back to my yoga mat, hoping to find somewhere to throw all my struggles. What I found was support, ease, and forgiveness. Slowly at first, timid to explore the darkness that was bubbling on the surface, each practice began to melt away another layer of fear and self loathing. I felt like I was uncovering myself for the first time.
Each time I stayed in a pose a little longer or caught a glimpse of dropping into the flow I was reenergized and lifted high enough to see something bigger. Our society is always chasing the next best thing but I was finally seeing and experiencing a force bigger than me, right in front of and with in me. It was the vibe of a hot power room right when class gets started, or the bliss at the end of a yin class. There was something about the humans surrounding me in the studio space that seemed to resonate deep in my soul. This idea that we were all just trying to be better humans. Every time I discover, by feeling, a new muscle or space I’ve never noticed in my own body, I continue to be reminded that this is so much bigger than a physical expression. That is the magic of yoga; the transformation. It begins to happen before you notice that you are being a little gentler with yourself and before the people around you notice that you aren’t so stressed out all the time. This change isn’t a repair, it’s a shedding of old skin.
The transformation is soon discovered to be infinite, and the acceptance of this only perpetuates a deeper dive, closer to your truth. Our human experience is so limited by labels, we inadvertently organize things to death. At the core of our being there is a force greater than we can imagine. This force resides with in and all around us.
I find divinity when I pause to watch a sunset or a bee working hard to pollinate our local community garden. The divinity that is with in me and you is the light that the world so desperately needs to see in these hard moments. With each awakening I witness I am inspired to share, to co create, to BE in this world as I am. Each of us has a truth that we must discover for ourselves, and when we uncover what’s been there all along, it will begin to evolve, and your divinity will glow from within. I see you and YOU ARE DIVINE.